This Common Secret: My Journey as an Abortion Doctor Read online

  When we began our collaboration, we would sit in the living room after the kids went to bed. Sue curled up in a big reading chair, wrapped herself in a blanket, and started talking while I scribbled in pencil on yellow legal pads as fast as I could. Sometimes Sue would shake with the emotion as her stories poured out. Later we met at a local coffee shop, where we worked for hours at a round table. Sue reeled off patient situations, protester confrontations, legal quagmires, counseling scenarios, personal turning points. It was exhausting—and amazing.

  For her, it was a way to reckon with the emotional toll, work through her feelings, and record events. For me, the accounts were intense, vivid, and revealing. Sue’s memory for detail and her simple, authentic presentation made the writing job easy.

  Almost always, at some point in the telling, there were tears. More than once we had to take a break to regain our composure, get another cup of coffee, before we could carry on.

  “This is not about me,” Sue insisted, from the beginning. “I want this to be about the women, not about me.”

  I honored her sentiment, knew it was genuine, but I also knew she was wrong. Of course it is about the women she has seen over the years, all of them: their symbolic dilemmas and dramatic situations, what they represent in the larger debate. It is about Flower Grandma, Martina Greywind, the fourteen-year-old victim of incest, the young woman raped on the way home from a movie. But all of that hangs on the framework of Sue’s tale—her commitment, her stubborn allegiance, her sense of morality, and her fortitude—beginning with the choice to go to medical school and continuing to this day in her career as an abortion provider.

  “I understand, Sue,” I said, “and I respect you for it. But this stuff is only a collage of disconnected snapshots without your story.”

  “I don’t want the women to get lost,” she insisted.

  Sue is a big-boned, straightforward woman with a hearty laugh. She has a rural sense of etiquette, a spontaneous flair for fun, and genuine warmth. Meeting her on the street, you’d never think of her as a warrior. You wouldn’t expect her to be controversial in any way. Rather, she is engaging, intelligent, humorous, open-minded, strong-willed. She could be a rancher or teacher or veterinarian.

  The fact that Sue is a warrior is a matter of circumstance, not of intention. She is a woman who has followed her heart, who has not been swayed by intimidation or difficulty. In her case, that course has led straight into a firestorm of controversy and danger.

  Sitting at our kitchen table over the course of that year, Marypat and I were educated. Like most people, we’d had our experiences with pregnancy decisions. Like most people, we thought we knew the issues and the politics and where we stood. It turned out that, in fact, we had no idea. The power of this project, and the potential impact on readers, is that many will turn the first page thinking that they understand the parameters of the abortion issue in America. They will be floored, as I was.

  Having Sue in our home gave us a hint of the wary tension she maintains as a matter of course. I have no doubt that the antis figured out where she’d moved within weeks. I also assumed, perhaps naïvely, that they would never attack her in the midst of a family with young children, that our home offered her the immunity of our embrace.

  Her security escort would pull in to our driveway every morning and drop her off again after work. The phone rang at all hours. We had more than the usual number of disconnected calls, sometimes in the dead of night. Some of them were sinister. The presence of someone on the other end was palpable—you could even hear the breathing—then the line would go dead. I found myself scrutinizing people walking past on the sidewalk, taking note if a car slowed down as it drove by our house. When Sue says she knows what it’s like to be prey, I have a faint inkling of how that feels.

  Sue became, and remains, a fast family friend. We have come to know Sonja. My family has gone on backcountry hikes, horse rides, and canoe trips with Sue and Sonja. Sue assisted in the home birth of our daughter, Ruby. She has been involved in our family life since 1993. Sue sees us regularly when she comes to town, catches up with the kids, shares a meal. She takes care of our dog when we travel.

  Initially, when we began writing together, we hoped only to take care of the outpouring, hang on to the immediacy of events. Inevitably, though, the possibility of putting together a book came up. Sue was very nervous about the prospect. It is a subject so prone to sensation. She saw the potential for her tale to spin out of control on the public stage, and it scared the hell out of her. She lives on the hot seat daily; why go public with it and create the potential for more vulnerability and controversy? Why become more of a target than she already is? These are not trivial or overblown concerns.

  We worked on the collection of pieces for months, passing them back and forth, kneading them into shape. Eventually we accumulated a manuscript that filled a large file folder. Then we put it away. Years passed. Sue had to close her Bozeman clinic and move back to Wisconsin, where she spent long years caring for her parents.

  We visited her in the Midwest, helped her family tap maple trees for syrup, stayed with her relatives, played cribbage with her ailing father, and visited her mother, Vera, in the nursing home just months before she died.

  Then, during the fall of 2005, Sue and I met for coffee after a long break. She was back in Montana full-time but was going through a period of transition, considering options. We talked for some time about her uncertain future.

  “You know,” I said, “I still have that folder full of stories we wrote together.”

  “I was just looking at my copy of that the other week,” Sue said.

  “If you ever want to reconsider a book project, I’m game,” I said.

  “Really!” Sue leaned forward. “It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. I am finally ready to share those stories. I’m not afraid anymore, or at least I’m not going to give in to fear, and I’m truly fed up with the political debate. In fact, I’m terrified of what’s coming down the road for women in this country. We could lose everything we’ve worked for and return to the time of back-alley abortions.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely,” Sue said. “I’d start tomorrow. When can we meet?”

  As it happens, quite a number of those kitchen table and coffee shop stories made their way into this book. A great many more did not. At some point I had to tell Sue to stop. There was so much, and more all the time. Even as we wrote the final chapters, Sue would arrive with fresh accounts—a woman essentially in a state of bondage who had to escape from her controlling husband long enough to get an abortion, Native American women coping with Third World conditions, or young, fragile victims of incest.

  “We’re done, Sue,” I said. “There’s no end. At some point we have to stop.”

  Alan S. Kesselheim Bozeman, Montana

  acknowledgments

  This book would still be an idea stuck in a backwater were it not for my good friend Alan Kesselheim. In addition to being an established author, Al is passionate about life, family, and the human condition. As coauthor of this book, he kept me moving forward, pushed without nagging, humored my words, and believed it could happen. Al has a gift for listening and then understanding the things not said. More important, he gets to the bottom of the story, drawing it out and making it sing. I cannot thank him enough. His wife, Marypat Zitzer, and their three children, Eli, Sawyer, and Ruby, are family.

  Our agent, Kris Dahl with International Creative Management, was brave enough to take this on, for which we are very grateful. Thank you, Maryanne Vollers, for being the bridge.

  Some projects are more of a challenge than others, and we are honored that Lisa Kaufman and Susan Weinberg at PublicAffairs recognized the importance of this story and were willing to jump in with such a solid commitment. Our astute editor, Lindsay Jones, was able to convince me to tell more of my personal story. It is clear to us that her editorial guidance made the book stronger.

  We are also indebt
ed to a number of information resources for the factual and statistical background used throughout the book. A list of those sources can be found in the Appendix.

  There were many friends and colleagues who read various drafts and offered suggestions, comments, and insights. Thanks especially to Velma McMeekin, Maryanne Vollers, Margot Kidder, and Eleanor Smeal. Your enthusiasm, encouragement, and feedback were always well timed.

  Throughout my training and for the past twenty years of working in the clinics, I have come to know, love, and respect some incredible people. I am grateful for the things they have taught me, for the personal stories they have shared, and for embracing me as a colleague. Mostly I appreciate their respect for the patients. Thank you Susan Hill, Maggie Cage, Dr. Elizabeth Newhall, Tom Weber, Becky Howell, Kathy, Debbie, Karen, Dottie, Shari, Kathryn, and Judy. A heartfelt thanks, and a promise never to forget, two women now gone: Dr. Elizabeth Karlin and Dr. Jane Hodgson. You are terribly missed.

  The six core staff members who worked with me in Bozeman were dedicated, skilled, compassionate, and understanding team members. Together we provided truly exceptional women’s reproductive health care. Thanks to Stacey, Kate, Diane, Deb, Kristi, and Holly.

  I wish with all my heart that my mother was still alive and could hold this book in her hands. She had a tremendous impact on my life. She was a feminist and social activist in her own right, and she believed this book would happen someday. She was always right. And I hope that some part of my father can understand what this is all about and how much I love him.

  When it comes to family, however, my sister, Julie, is the one who has always forgiven me when I suddenly changed course. She listens to my uncertainty and fear, remains calm when I need a rock to rest on, and holds the boat steady while I climb in. Most important, she lets me head downstream without piling on the guilt. Thank you so very much, Julie.

  For reasons you each know, thank you to David, Randy, and Rod. You’ve kept me afloat over a very long journey.

  In this past year of sitting up late at the computer, searching for words, trying to find my voice, quietly reliving so many challenging times, I leaned on my best friends, Ben and Steve. They could always recognize when I needed a good meal instead of another bowl of cereal. In between times, I had the guidance of Brad, helping me reclaim my strength in so many ways. Many thanks to you.

  Finally, the one person who could have reined me in, the young woman the anti-choice forces failed to break, the kind, strong person who still loves me after all I have put her through: my daughter, Sonja. Her strength and love continue to ground me.

  appendix: further information and factual resources

  I hope my story does not suggest that anti-abortion activities nationwide have decreased. To the contrary—emboldened by changes in the U.S. Supreme Court and able to recruit protesters from younger generations who have never known a world without safe, legal abortions, the anti-choice forces have escalated their efforts. Inform yourself about current legal restrictions, mass protests, and harassment of abortion clinic staff and patients by using the following resources:

  To Support Reproductive Rights Organizations:

  NARAL Pro-Choice America

  www.prochoiceamerica.org or 202-973-3000

  NARAL Pro-Choice America’s mission is to develop and sustain a constituency that uses the political process to guarantee every woman the right to make personal decisions regarding the full range of reproductive choices, including preventing unintended pregnancy, bearing healthy children, and choosing legal abortion. It is a national organization with affiliates in many states. The website can direct you to more sources of information and action.

  To Find Facts from Reliable Sources:

  The Guttmacher Institute

  www.guttmacher.org

  The Guttmacher Institute is a nonprofit organization focused on sexual and reproductive health research, policy analysis, and public education. It is a respected resource with the highest standards in research and reporting.

  To Help Someone Who Doesn’t Have the Resources to Pay for an Abortion:

  Pro-Choice Resources

  www.prochoiceresources.org or 612-825-2000

  Pro-Choice Resources (PCR) has helped hundreds of women. Its programs are some of the most unique in the country. It is a homegrown nonprofit, not affiliated with any national program. PCR is not a clinic or a lobbying organization and receives no government or United Way funding. It is the only organization in the country to offer education, advocacy, financial assistance, and outreach under one roof. PCR is located in Minnesota, but its programs reach people across the globe. PCR administers the Hersey Abortion Assistance Fund (toll free: 1-888-439-0124) to assist teens and women from across the country with no-interest loans, grants, and resources for those who choose abortion but are unable to afford one. Pro-Choice Resources does extensive education and community outreach to help prevent unwanted pregnancies. Their education website for teens (www.birdsandbees.org) is used by youth from as far away as Israel and Germany.

  The National Network of Abortion Funds

  www.nnaf.org or 617-524-6040

  The National Network of Abortion Funds is one of the best resources for women needing financial help. It provides information for women across the country, helping them find an appropriate fund. You can donate to a specific fund in your area and know the money will go directly to women in need.

  To Find Information on Legal Considerations in the United States and around the World:

  The Center for Reproductive Rights

  www.reproductiverights.org

  The Center for Reproductive Rights (formerly the Center for Reproductive Law and Policy) is a nonprofit legal advocacy organization that uses the law to advance reproductive freedom as a fundamental right that all governments are obligated to protect, respect, and fulfill. Founded in 1992, the Center has defined the course of reproductive rights law in the United States with significant legal victories. Using international human rights law, the Center has strengthened reproductive health laws and policies abroad by working with more than fifty organizations in forty-four countries in Africa, Asia, East Central Europe, Latin America, and the Caribbean.

  For General Information about Abortion and Reproductive Health:

  Citizens Development Corps

  www.cdc.org

  Citizens Development Corps is a government organization with a wide variety of information on all aspects of health.

  Planned Parenthood Federation of America

  .wwwplannedparenthood.org

  Planned Parenthood is dedicated to providing information related to family planning for women and men of all ages. An excellent resource.

  The Feminist Majority Foundation

  www.feminist.org

  The Feminist Majority Foundation works for social, political, and economic equality for women by using research and education to improve women’s lives.

  PublicAffairs is a publishing house founded in 1997. It is a tribute to the standards, values, and flair of three persons who have served as mentors to countless reporters, writers, editors, and book people of all kinds, including me.

  I.F. STONE, proprietor of I. F. Stone’s Weekly, combined a commitment to the First Amendment with entrepreneurial zeal and reporting skill and became one of the great independent journalists in American history. At the age of eighty, Izzy published The Trial of Socrates, which was a national bestseller. He wrote the book after he taught himself ancient Greek.

  BENJAMIN C. BRADLEE was for nearly thirty years the charismatic editorial leader of The Washington Post. It was Ben who gave the Post the range and courage to pursue such historic issues as Watergate. He supported his reporters with a tenacity that made them fearless and it is no accident that so many became authors of influential, best-selling books.

  ROBERT L. BERNSTEIN, the chief executive of Random House for more than a quarter century, guided one of the nation’s premier publishing houses. Bob was personally responsible for ma
ny books of political dissent and argument that challenged tyranny around the globe. He is also the founder and longtime chair of Human Rights Watch, one of the most respected human rights organizations in the world.

  For fifty years, the banner of Public Affairs Press was carried by its owner Morris B. Schnapper, who published Gandhi, Nasser, Toyn-bee, Truman, and about 1,500 other authors. In 1983, Schnapper was described by The Washington Post as “a redoubtable gadfly.” His legacy will endure in the books to come.

  Peter Osnos, Founder and Editor-at-Large